"You lie."

You can’t read the news these days without reading about Congressman Joe Wilson’s public accusation of “You lie” to President Obama during his speech on health care. Although much disagreement exists on the motivation behind the comment and whether Congress’ rebuke was necessary, I find it a very interesting case study on communication. Most of us are barely aware of our own motivation for saying and doing things. So I won’t even try to venture a guess what the motivation was behind that comment. The questions I hold about the comment are the following:

Did that statement move the matter at hand closer to or further away from resolution? Was the comment made passionately but with respect? Was it a statement of fact or one of judgment? Did it set a good example for productive communication and resolution of issues if everyone were to take on that behavior?

This particular example contains a number of elements of what frequently goes wrong with our communication.

1. Speaking a personal judgment or assessment as if it were the truth. A truth is something that can be proven as fact. Although the health care bill may be unclear on the issue prompting the comment or Congressman Wilson may not trust that it will play out as being represented, those represent judgments or assessments, not proven truths. I have never seen a case where representing opinions and judgments as the truth brought two sides of an issue closer together. It’s fine to state an opinion or feeling but it should be clearly stated that that is what it is.
2. Thinking disrespect will get our point across. In our culture, I think it is safe to say that shouting an accusation at anyone who legitimately has the floor to speak is considered disrespectful. Disrespect is rarely, if ever, a way to open someone else’s ears to our viewpoint. It is a good way to shut down conversation, flare emotions and create deep divides.
3. Ineffective use of passion. Passion can be a powerful emotion and when used appropriately it can display urgency, deep caring, and commitment. But conveyed in the wrong way (see 1 and 2 above), it can convey a divisive and destructive wallop. If everyone on the Senate floor behaved in that manner during that speech, I suspect no information at all would have been gained by anyone. Can democracy be practiced under those kinds of conditions? I think we know the answer.

We have many tough issues which we must address in our nation to allow all of our people a chance for prosperity. And productive conversation and deep listening represent our only hope of resolution. Rather than debate motivations and the rebuke handed out perhaps some reflection and dialogue on how to better generate productive conversation is in order.

Real Wealth

I just finished reading Agenda for a New Economy by David Korten. In the aftermath of our economic meltdown, David talks about the belief money represents wealth, what that does to our economy and the impact it has on our lives. Money is only a means for exchange, a phantom wealth so to speak. Real wealth is measured in the health and well being of people, communities and the environment. How often we confuse the two. And in our quest for money, how frequently do we put aside or neglect the very things that add real wealth to our lives? No doubt, it takes money to live in the world we now inhabit. But money is only one form of wealth. I now make it a habit to remind myself of that on a regular basis. Fellow coach, Dave Buck, defines nine elements of wealth: health, finance, relationship, spiritual, community, character, knowledge, experience and talent. I like his model. It’s a good reminder that even when money is short, we still have wealth. And even when we have a lot of money, if other key elements of wealth are missing, life can feel pretty darn shallow. The news these days shows the stock market is doing better, housing sales seem to be picking up, some companies are starting to rehire. It would be easy to think that we’re back to business as usual. My hope, however, is that this past year will give us pause to reflect on what’s really important in life and business and take an active role in shaping the future of our lives, our businesses, our country and our world to reflect the kind of wealth we really want to create.

Reconnecting to what's most important

In my line of work as a leadership coach, nearly all of my clients are trying to sculpt their lives and work to encompass more of what's most important to them. For some, it's letting go of high salaries and prestigous titles to do work that really matters while finding time for relationships and community. For others it's learning to hold one's center when the people they love lash out at them. For me, the journey has been letting go of many things...moving far away from friends, family, a house I loved and all the "stuff" I had acquired over the years to follow my heart with a new relationship. How ironic to reconnect by letting go. But I've learned that sometimes that's just the way it is.

A friend of mine used to tell a story about a kayaking buddy who tipped over and who's safety line became entangled around a rock. He hung on desperately even as his companions on shore yelled for him to let go. The water was calmer down river where they could more easily get him to shore. But he continued to hang on, taking a rush of water in the face until he drowned. My friend referred to this as "the safety paradox"--that we're most afraid to do that which we most need to do. I have no idea whether the kayaking story is true but the safety paradox makes absolute sense to me. In my own life I've seen time after time how the more I hang on to what I think I need, the more what I really need eludes me.

For years I resisted the thought of moving to a new place, far from what I thought I needed. And yet my move from Michigan to Washington has brought a new depth of relationship to my life, not only romantically but with the friends and family who have stuck with me even though I'm far away. I'm learning to face my demons that want to hang on to all the stuff, the house and a way of life that is part of the past not of the future. I'm not completely home free but I've come along way.

The trials and tribulations I've faced in my own life this last year, the ones my clients have faced and the ones the world has faced as we cascaded through a global economic meltdown has made me think about what's really important in life in a way I haven't done before. Is our way of working and living in modern society really bringing us true prosperity? Not just in financial terms but in ways that are joyful, healthy and sustainable? In the richest country in the world and the most technologically advanced time in history, statistics show that we are not a joyful, healthy lot. Record numbers of people are on anxiety and anti-depression medication including children. The incidents of diabetes and ADHD is increasing at an alarming rate. How do we as individuals begin to shift the dynamic-in our own lives as well as on a broader scale? How can we join together to support each other in our quest for creating a world and life that supports what we most long for?